Being an internationally famous Lothario, I'm no stranger to travelling to far-off exotic places in the name of love. But you probably already knew that about me, didn't you?A bunch of years ago, I was visiting the love of my life in California. It was a much more innocent time, Timothy McVeigh having only been executed that very week. I actually woke up extra early on the west coast that morning to make sure he was dead. It was a visit that touched my soul and something I'll remember forever.
Even going home was interesting. You see, I had been awake for a really long time, doing what soul-mates do to each other, but in filthier ways, when there was a crimp in travel plans. It turned out that my flight out of San Jose was cancelled, and I was put on a red-eye from San Francisco back to Toronto.
So back my girlfriend's house we went. And I did something dumb. I fell asleep. It turns out that when I've been awake for a really time and pass out, I'm difficult to awaken. Well, she found a way that did the trick. One that I still dream about. But that's another story for another day.
If you know anything about the Bay Area, you know that there are five bridges that cross it. We picked the Dumbarton Bridge, that happened to be under construction. By the time I arrived at San Francisco International Airport, it was about five minutes before my departure time. I was convinced that I was well and truly fucked.
Then I got to the Air Canada check in counter and had the fastest conversation of my entire life.
"Didyoupackyourownbags?"
"Yes."
"Haveyourbagsbeenoutofyoursightatanytimesinceyoupackedthem?"
"No."
"I'llcallaheadtoclearyouthroughgatescreening. RUN!!!"
And I made my plane. To top it off, there was a really hot Hawaiian stewardess with fantastic tits working that flight. Life was indeed sweet.
That was about three months before 9/11. Worse than being an act of unspeakable evil, September 11 took all the fun out of air travel. Now you practically have to leave your very soul with your checked luggage. By the fall of 2003, I had grown so weary of the whole experience that I became the Rory Stewart of romance, actually crossing North America on foot in search of love. The Places in Between, indeed!
The only difference between me and Rory? I've been in Detroit at night, which is way more fucked up than Afghanistan. Ever seen an elderly woman who's convinced that she's actually James Brown? If not, I recommend that you visit the Detroit Greyhound station at about 1 am. It'll make the Taliban seem quaint.
Through all of these years, however, I've still yearned for someone to bring the fun back into flying. The idea haunts me, actually.
That's why I spent all day thanking the multiple gods at the polytheistic Air India.
Perhaps a patch of turbulence on your next flight doesn't merit a complaint after all.I can't think of a better place to duke it out than 37,000 feet over the heads of your mortal enemies, can you?
Consider the ordeal passengers went through on an Air India flight early Saturday when one of the plane's pilots and a cabin crew member spilled out of the cockpit trading punches, a scrap some reports say left the cockpit unmanned for a brief period.
While Air India denies the cockpit was ever unmanned and insists passenger safety was never compromised, India has been spellbound by the incident since news broke of the mid-air fracas on flight IC-844.
The fight started at about 4 a.m. local time, just after the pilots informed the 106 Delhi-bound passengers they were flying over Pakistan.
Moments later, one of the pilots allegedly groped a female flight attendant after she resisted his advances.Apparently you're not supposed to do that anymore. Who knew?
But what started this, perhaps the funniest of all melees?
Komal Singh, a 24-year-old female flight attendant, says flight commander Ranbeer Arora was upset over her takeoff announcement and summoned her to the cockpit.That happens to me every day. Mostly, I just blame my enormous penis. On the other hand, I'm overly empathetic and given to blaming myself for the actions of others.
Both Arora and co-pilot Aditya Chopra chastised her.
Singh was made to feel "uncomfortable as a woman," media reports say.
Most people probably view this as a negative experience, except for me and the passengers. You want to bet that any of them can remember what the in-flight movie was?
I'm just hoping that this is the kind of thing India outsources to us after they own us all. They seem like they'd be much more fun overlords to have than the Chinese, who would have just shot down the plane and donated the organs of everyone on board to the sicklier members of the Politburo.
But that's just me, always the practical one.
0 Yorumlar